Quoted straight from Zoolander! As he looks into his reflection in a puddle on the street he asks himself, "Who am I?" with a quick response from his reflection "I don't know."
I've always found it pretty funny, and even funnier now as I approach myself with the same question. I've thought I knew who I was, what I wanted, and where I was going. But, as I review my life I find that I don't know who I am, what I want, nor where I'm going. How can this be funny you ask? It's funny (to me anyway) that I used to pretend that I did! Even funnier, I'm ok with it! Rather than start worrying about it about and try to be something I'm not, I'd rather just develop into who I am and was made to be.
I've been rather frustrated with church and myself recently because of my inability to be myself because I've created this certain persona of "church guy" and I feel that everyone expects that. Maybe my suspicion is wrong of peoples expectations of me, I don't know. But, I do know that when I really tell people how I feel when they ask "How are you?", most are taken aback by my honesty and not quite sure what to do with it. I also feel like this problem isn't isolated to me. I feel like sometimes (not all of the time, but many times) we christians try to make ourselves into this person who has no problems and everything in life is great. The problem is that when we do that, we are in affect killing authentic realtionships within the church because there are hardly any real people within church. I think also that we can see that stark contrast between the people who are hiding and those who are being real. Think about it. Those people are inviting, just by their personality, because they seem to really understand what it is to live and how to go through life as such. On the other hand there are those of us that seem cold and disconnected even when the words that we say would be the same as the other type. It's almost something of experiential value...that is that it seems those people have really experienced life. That's how it seems to me anyway.
Well, I say all this to basically say, I'm learning who I am and what I want in life...and I'm going to do my best to stray away from making myself something else or hiding from what I'm realyl experiencing in life.
I'd love to hear your comments on this even if you disagree. Thanks for reading!
Ryan
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1 comment:
Hey man.
I'm glad you decided to start blogging again.. I know this post is almost verbatim what we talked about in the car ride back from jared's wedding, but I figured I'd throw my 2 cents in just as well =).
I think you sell yourself a little short by presuming yourself the "church" guy. Whenever I describe you to my friends I've always said you were the person I look up to most for spiritual guidance. Your faith is strong, and it's obvious to me and all of the people around you that your faith has been a hugely positive factor in your life.
That being said, I think it's prudent to constantly re-assess and question yourself, and what you believe in; if for nothing else than to strengthen your belief.
Your honesty is very refreshing, and I think what you're going through is very healthy and natural for a man of your age. You're doing the right thing I think.. take a step back, and grow into yourself. There's nothing wrong with change, and I know you'll be a better man for it at the end of the day.
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