Yea, I'm not really sure what I'm talking about in this post... let's just consider it a little rant.
I wonder sometimes where I am on the scale for personal growth....sometimes I feel like I'm behind a lot of people in some areas... like in understanding relationships, love, and the like. But, then sometimes I feel like I've grown more in other areas like with having responsibilities.
In all though I feel like I've started back at some point that I stepped off the emotional development train. Almost like I've gone back in time and started from that point again. Luckily, the train seems to be moving a little faster... but I feel kind of cheated for having missed all that I should have experienced like most people....But, then am I wrong for feeling that?.... I mean all people have shortcomings and no one is "like most people".... but thats not how it feels... I see most people (of my age) and they seem to have some sort of understanding of a lot of things in life... and I feel lost in a lot of them...I know it's probably exactly the opposite... but I'm not sure of that because, as I've stated in previous posts... most people aren't completely revealing of themselves. Though, I don't feel that I am that close to many people.... so I don't know that they should be to people they really dont know.
Life is complicated, hard, and always something new... I have a love hate relationship with it.
*Looney Tunes Theme* Th-Th-Th-That's all folks!
See ya next time!
Ryan
June 09, 2007
May 29, 2007
Thoughts of My Views on Friendships and Love
Well, again it's been awhile since I've posted. I apologize.....it'll probably happen again though....you should probably get used to it. :) Sorry.
So, it's been brought to my attention for some time now the way that I approach friendships/relationships with friends and family. I have a deep yearning for people to know and understand me (not really that I want to be popular but just that I have friends and they are all REALLY close to me) and I the same for them. Basically what happens is that I don't always have this feeling fresh on my heart, but then at some point there will be a deep pain within me that really feels unloved and maybe even unwanted (though, that does not mean it's true by any means...not so important for you to know other than that I now realize that when I feel that, it doesn't mean its true). In reaction, what do I do? I try to build a friendship and/or relationship that has complete depth to it. I will completely expose myself to some individual, hope they respond well, and in equal depth....thinking that this really develops a intimate relationship/friendship with someone.
I've just gotten out of a pretty tough break up...and though I don't believe the relationship was completely a product of one of those situations from the beginning... it was used as such through the development of it... and actually probably hindered its growth and eventually caused more problems than good. Now, I'm done with it....but always easier said than done. I am ticked because I want to develop relationships naturally-that is, spending lots of time with people, getting to know them through experiences, and really solidifying a basis with them that actually has strength, love and a chance of enduring issues-but, I don't want to spend the time doing it. The thing is, I still have those days I feel unloved and unwanted...and while telling myself its not true helps to some degree.... it doesn't make the pain go away like exposing my life to someone did...at least temporarily. But, as I can imagine, see in other people, and expect since it is what I really desire from all of this, that building a relationship naturally and letting it slowly come to fruition is the way to do it. It loves and it endures. I usually think it's kinda odd that when I really desire a deep love from friends, family, and even a future spouse (God willing) I look for the temporary satisfaction....but how about us and God......don't we do that everyday? (I just thought of that as I was writing...I feel pretty convicted now)
I've been really frustrated recently because I find the majority of my friendships have been based off of such a scenario and really have no depth to them....though I've fooled myself (and maybe even others) into thinking they do. Basically, I'm ready to graduate and move back to Dallas to be with my family. There are the people I must live with the rest of my life. I'm going to cultivate those relationships and build a solid foundation with them (and probably with some friends in the area to). That's my game plan. I hope it works.
I don't know if you fall in the same boat I do... or maybe your in some other complete situation... I don't know. But, you're reading this....and I'm writing it.... If you have any suggestions for how I should go about taking steps towards recovery (sounds like I'm an alcoholic or something, haha) please post a comment. I hope you want to express yourself and what you're going through (see my last post) so that other people know they're not alone and that they feel more open to be who they are in the problems they're having. Thanks and see ya soon!
Ryan
So, it's been brought to my attention for some time now the way that I approach friendships/relationships with friends and family. I have a deep yearning for people to know and understand me (not really that I want to be popular but just that I have friends and they are all REALLY close to me) and I the same for them. Basically what happens is that I don't always have this feeling fresh on my heart, but then at some point there will be a deep pain within me that really feels unloved and maybe even unwanted (though, that does not mean it's true by any means...not so important for you to know other than that I now realize that when I feel that, it doesn't mean its true). In reaction, what do I do? I try to build a friendship and/or relationship that has complete depth to it. I will completely expose myself to some individual, hope they respond well, and in equal depth....thinking that this really develops a intimate relationship/friendship with someone.
I've just gotten out of a pretty tough break up...and though I don't believe the relationship was completely a product of one of those situations from the beginning... it was used as such through the development of it... and actually probably hindered its growth and eventually caused more problems than good. Now, I'm done with it....but always easier said than done. I am ticked because I want to develop relationships naturally-that is, spending lots of time with people, getting to know them through experiences, and really solidifying a basis with them that actually has strength, love and a chance of enduring issues-but, I don't want to spend the time doing it. The thing is, I still have those days I feel unloved and unwanted...and while telling myself its not true helps to some degree.... it doesn't make the pain go away like exposing my life to someone did...at least temporarily. But, as I can imagine, see in other people, and expect since it is what I really desire from all of this, that building a relationship naturally and letting it slowly come to fruition is the way to do it. It loves and it endures. I usually think it's kinda odd that when I really desire a deep love from friends, family, and even a future spouse (God willing) I look for the temporary satisfaction....but how about us and God......don't we do that everyday? (I just thought of that as I was writing...I feel pretty convicted now)
I've been really frustrated recently because I find the majority of my friendships have been based off of such a scenario and really have no depth to them....though I've fooled myself (and maybe even others) into thinking they do. Basically, I'm ready to graduate and move back to Dallas to be with my family. There are the people I must live with the rest of my life. I'm going to cultivate those relationships and build a solid foundation with them (and probably with some friends in the area to). That's my game plan. I hope it works.
I don't know if you fall in the same boat I do... or maybe your in some other complete situation... I don't know. But, you're reading this....and I'm writing it.... If you have any suggestions for how I should go about taking steps towards recovery (sounds like I'm an alcoholic or something, haha) please post a comment. I hope you want to express yourself and what you're going through (see my last post) so that other people know they're not alone and that they feel more open to be who they are in the problems they're having. Thanks and see ya soon!
Ryan
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